Where’s Julie?

By Toni Perry

                “Welcome to the we do not care customer service center.  If you would like to hear this message in English press one.  Pero continuar en Espanol escoga dos.  If you are calling to order new service, please press one.  If you are calling to change your existing service, please press two.  If you are calling to open an additional account, please press three.  If you are calling to make inquiries about our new product line, please press four. 

If you are calling to make inquiries about your bill, please press five.  Your call will be answered in…thirty…minutes.  If you are calling about a complaint, apparently you did not hear the beginning of this recording.  We are do not care anymore.  Please hang up.”

I am appalled at the extreme lack of personal touch exhibited by those who have been providing me with “service” lately.  I remember enjoying fresh milk after it was delivered to my grandma’s house on Sunday’s.  I also recall being greeted by a local grocery store clerk who knew my name.  I may be nostalgic, but I am not naïve.  I realize with a varying degree of sadness that things are slightly different now. 

Regrettably, I am willing to concede the fact that a milkman in the year 2000 would probably have to wear a bullet proof vest and carry a machine gun.  If I am to be totally honest, I must also admit the store clerk made it extremely difficult to purchase cigarettes and beer when I was sixteen.   Save for these examples, I think we deserve better than the current state of customer affairs. 

As you may have guessed my biggest peeve is with phone jockeys.  They are very friendly when attempting to get you to buy, switch, or sign up.  These same people do not posses the required patience to assist you when your 5^th telephone line has static.  In the case listed in the opener, if one were lucky enough to reach a live human being, the voice on the other end would be that of a person who is perturbed because you cracked the code. 

Forgive me I did not know I was not allowed to register a complaint on “high call volume day.”  I will just call back later.  Oh wait here’s an idea…are you sitting down…if you know Monday and Friday are going to be “high call volume” day’s…HIRE MORE PEOPLE TO WORK ON MONDAY’S AND FRIDAY’S.  Although I am deriving great pleasure in attacking the phone company, I must admit they are not the only at-home-anti-server with tele-monkeys.  

“I do not know ma’am.  I am not sure ma’am.  I cannot help you ma’am.”  Sound familiar?  It does if you, like me, have been the unlucky recipient of a power outage.  I suppose I should be grateful.  Bob at the phone company kept calling me lady.  The electric company on the other hand has the distinct pleasure of actively torturing its customers. 

I do not know the name of the C.E.O. of my local electric company but I honestly believe his goal is to find new and inventive reasons to leave his customers in the dark.  I liken him to the sinister villain Jafar in the Disney movie Aladdin.  I envision a man in a dark room twirling his mustache and plotting the end of hot showers as we know them.

When I had the audacity to phone and inquire, his minions responded to me as if I were insane for wanting the service I pay nearly $100 a month for.  Imagine that. (F.Y.I., I have a roommate, we split the bills, and yes my cut alone is in the vicinity of $100.)  Just once I would like to turn the tables:  I am sorry I am experiencing technical difficulties and I cannot pay you now.  I assure you, your payment will be remitted as soon as possible.  I thank you for your patience. 

I want to be careful not to forget anyone in my description.  I realize some people actually go outside from time to time and thus may not share the same bitter, loathing, animosity for my nemeses.  In anticipation, I have tailored my rant to fit persons from the planet fresh air as well.  For those of you who happen to live in solar powered homes, without telephones, and have never waisted an hour of your lives listening to the Muzac version of Don Johnson’s Heartbeat; allow me to illustrate my point more clearly.   

“We love to see you smile.”  Ha!  That should read, “I hate my crappy job.”  Well you know what, the economy is booming and I did not advise you to take this job.  All I want is a fattening hamburger and some greasy fries.  The sad part is we can no longer get the rude little brats in trouble.  “I would like to speak to your manager,” no longer strikes fear in their hearts.  Managers do not care either.  Their idea of customer service is the standard “Hi my name is so and so may I help you,” greeting.  Translation: “Hi my manager is making me say this please make it as short as possible.  You are interrupting my day long coffee break.” 

Managerial apathy is most evident in the world’s largest supermarket/value store where one can buy tires and groceries in the same place.  Simply because American’s are frugal (cheap) enough to purchase economically priced (cheap) items does not mean said (cheap) citizens should be forced to stand line for hours.  Why build twenty-five registers if you only intended to employ five scanning-specialists?  For those of you who are not up on the latest terminology, scanning-specialist is the PC term for check out girl. 

Speaking of check out girls, I cannot believe the attitude of today’s flight attendants.  I would like to go back to the happy days of the stewardess.  Yes those days were mine allright.  I remember my first flight.  I received a pillow, a blanket, and although I declined, I was offered a second drink.  Just last week, on a return trip from Florida, I had to steal a blanket from a sleeping child.  When I asked for a pillow, the flight attendant did not even bother to pretend to look before informing me that there were no more cardboard head rests available.  I am not even going to tell you what I had to do for a beverage.  (Take my advice don’t try the water in the sink in the bathroom.)

Since I have taken you into the friendly skies I may as well throw this one out there as well.  Next Day Air delivery service.  I am sorry I did not realize that meant next day Tokyo time between twelve and two o'clock.  It took a day and a half before I received my Valentine’s Day present last year.  Okay maybe I will grant the courier that one.  I suppose that could have been my boyfriend’s fault.  But I sent my sister’s birthday present via this method and she did not receive it within the promised window.  You know…the next day.  I can honestly say I expect this type of behavior from big business.  I would probably be a little less perturbed if this incredulous behavior stopped here.  Unfortunately I have evidence to the contrary. 

Local companies are becoming equally as obnoxious.  I have a friend who is being sued by her alarm company because she cancelled her one-year contract.  Sound’s reasonable right?  What if I tell you she did so because she has been living in her home for 10 months and her alarm system was only fully functional for two weeks?   In my case a carpet cleaner walked out because I did not want to pay the additional $20.00 we want to fleece you fee.  He did not even give his manager a chance to convince me that I needed to have my wallpaper scotch guarded. 

I CANT TAKE IT ANY LONGER!!!   

Friend’s customers, credit card holders lend me your buying power.  We need to get back to the days of standing in line and allowing the department heads to see our angry faces one by one.  We need to take bill paying out of the hands of Schewegman’s and customer service away from the telephone.  We need to get off our sofas and raise some hell with these people.  Why shop on the Internet?   Do you really find its don’t-even-try-it return policies and its maybe-you-will-get-your-merchandise shipping so enticing?  I am still waiting for the cellular phone charger I ordered in May.  By the way it is November. 

Go to another fast food place even if it is out of the way.  Cease the purchasing of steak and milk at Mega-Super-Mart.  Am I the only person who finds the idea of eating a steak after it has been in the same cart as Castrol Syntec repulsive?  Instead, befriend the gentleman at your local auto parts store.  Afterwards make the 15-minute trip to visit the store clerk who will refuse Tequila and Marlboro to your kids. 

If your service is unrightfully disconnected, band with your neighbors and refuse to pay for the time of interrupted service.  Let’s force the tele-managers to hire people with real personalities.  The next time someone in the “customer service” department is rude to you, ask to speak to the manager.  If necessary threaten to rob his/her kids of their lunch money but make your discontent known.  If we are lucky he/she will quit because he/she will get tired of dealing with us.  Wouldn’t that be great!  I have not forced someone to quit in years! 

Okay, maybe I am being a little too vindictive.  I am simply trying to get you to realize one simple fact; they need us we do not need them.  Think about it?  When you patronize the salon, the barbershop or the tailor the salesman are friendly and courteous.  Why?  Because these are services we do not necessarily require.   That is not to say they are not important to us.  Personally I am in love with my hair stylist but that is another matter entirely.

I guarantee you if enough people cancelled their phone service someone would start a company tomorrow to accommodate said clientele.  As I stated earlier the economy is booming.  Many Americans are searching for that one opportunity which could lead to the purchase their own piece of the American pie (equipped with a hot tub and a harem.)  Why not try it yourself?  Start your own business accenting real customer service.  If you are in my area I promise to frequent your establishment personally.  If however these choices do not grab you, I have one final suggestion.    

  Do any of you remember the first of the AT&T customer service commercials?  In case you have forgotten, the ad featured a pretty blonde named Julie.  Julie, who has probably been eaten by the cannibals I have described in this essay, had a nice smile and personable attitude.  She was an operator, whose motto was “I am here to serve you.”  She would greet the imaginary patron with a pleasant voice, field all of his or her questions, and proceed to give an endless string of helpful suggestions.  If anyone out there knows where she is please contact her and tell her, her assistance is desperately needed.